The Liechtenstein Manifesto

I'm going to be honest with you, dear reader. This is an unabashed, unashamed, entirely cheeky, rather forthright plug. A recruitment drive, if you will. You see, I've had it up to here *points to forehead* with being an army of one. We've entered an age of multi-culturalism, pluralism – the destruction of the nation-state and of increasing globalisation. So in a sense, what I'm about to propose to you is really just good old progressive thinking in line with all that. What I'm saying involves what some might regard a bit of a de-sacralisation of a way of life. But I'm willing to offend strong feelings for this cause. So here goes:

 I want you to renounce your patriotism to England.

Specifically, I want you – and I recognise this may cause you to close down this tab – to renounce your support of the Three Lions, the English national football team.  Take a deep breath.  I think I can provide a sustainable alternative, a realistic international footballing reality. I'm not talking about video games, this is very real. I'm not even being one of those knobby people who supports Germany/Spain/Real Madrid/”Barca” because they play “great tika-taka, rah” and "Xavi is just amaze". If that is hipster-ish and annoying, my proposal is original, if somewhat masochistic.

I want you to join me, in my army of one. I want you to become an English-speaking supporter of the Liechtenstein national football team. I've come to something of a Socratic revelation. It was ponderous, treacherous and disheartening at times. I've realised that Robert Frost was referring analogously  to his support of the ‘Stein in his poem “The Road Not Taken”. It says of the two roads (England and Liechtenstein):

“I took the one less travelled by,

And that has made all the difference.”

A genuine Liechtenstein away following: in its entirety. 

It has made all of the difference. You see, as an England supporter, I would have to watch us beat (to take a recent example) Estonia 1-0, with a late Rooney free-kick. I’d hate the game. It was boring - England had many chances, though they struggled with a spirited Estonian showing. England snuck past them, underachieving, somewhat desperate, and perhaps worst of all: dispassionate. 

Here’s where the Frost quote comes in.

On Saturday evening, I watched Liechtenstein win 1-0 against Moldova. Now, this game primarily consisted of no real chances, dangerous chances at any rate, for either team. The game was settled by a (genuinely) wonderful free-kick, scored by one of Liechtenstein’s greatest players, and the Stein’s second top goal-scorer, former Darlington midfielder, Franz Burgmeier. Liechtenstein barely had a shot on target. They had 29% of the possession. Yet they gave an impassioned, fighting, characteristic performance. Not only that – I loved it! I've watched most of the games since 2013, and it is the first competitive away win I've seen the tiny Alpine nation record – it was the first away victory in their European Championships Qualification history. To have followed their journey in development, in their increasing organisation – to this seemingly minuscule pinnacle – was undoubtedly more entertaining, more intimate, and more exciting than watching the bores at Wembley, feeling rubbish.

That’s the beauty of supporting Liechtenstein – you expect them to be properly crap, not just England, slipping-past-Andorra-with-a-team-of-Premier-League-players “crap”. When Liechtenstein over achieve in the slightest, it’s monumental. The England team don’t overachieve, so it’s irrelevant. With Liechtenstein, I can guarantee you a surprising positive result at least once a year, especially under current form. I can’t even remember the last time England did better than expected. Beating Germany 5-1 in 2001?

I suppose that underlines my point – Liechtenstein aren't even like San Marino. They actually do the odd interesting thing relatively frequently; they’re beyond mere whipping boys. It’s amazing how fun watching a team defend for their lives against Sweden can be (2-0 to the Swedes). Even the individual flashes of brilliance are there - and are ten times more enjoyable than a Raheem Sterling run, assuming he’s not too tired, even for that. I experience pure surges of joy at the moment – for the most recent addition to the squad, Dennis Salanovic. He’s the first Liechtenstein player in recent history to have the balls to actually run at defenders (he won the free kick against Moldova). He is a joy for the five touches he gets, playing alone up-front every game – and he plays for Atletico Madrid B at club level. This is the like that ‘Stein have not seen for years – in the prime of Mario Frick, the principality’s greatest ever player, without question.

Liechtenstein's Wembley: Nicer, and not in London.

Finally, I think the case from a viewing perspective is perhaps the strongest. Can you imagine watching games on pixelated, buffering  internet streams with Lithuanian commentary? It does sound terrible, I accept, but you do get used to it. Crucially, I’ll let you into a secret – Adrian Chiles does not present the television coverage of the Liechtenstein national team and Andy Townsend has never once uttered the words “Well Clive, I just don’t think Liechtenstein can match Germany in terms of individual talents”. Case closed.

I guarantee you players who are obscure, defenders who are foolhardy, fans who don't chant, dreams that are small, and (occasionally) fulfilled. Plus you can always support England in the major competitions, if you still want the depressing feeling I've been describing.  Liechtenstein guarantee they won’t go past the qualification stage – it is company policy.

And one  final thing - we Stein fans haven’t had to endure a 48 year wait since the last time we won a World Cup. Welcome to the smallest footballing family.

8 Football Grounds that are a bit weird and I've been to/near

I'm doing this post as a time killer, though it's nice to be able to write another blog. Re-adjusting my sleep pattern post second Ashes test, since I've been working on Oz time for the past five days. Sadly, as you'll have guessed, it's not been worth it. 

The other day I was at Meadow Lane (we actually won!), and was talking with my flat-mate - who is a Notts County convert from Leeds - I liken this to the conversion of Saul in the Bible... seen the light etc... Anyway, I was checking my 'Fotmob' app, when a result popped up that Queen of the South (went to their ground once, like to see how they're doing, don't ask) were beating Dumbarton. Now I also happen to have been to Dumbarton's ground, and it is particularly notable, because it is situated next to a castle. This led me off on a huge and probably tedious chat about how Dumbarton's ground is next to a castle, which said flat-mate suitably endured. The conversation inspired me to write the spectacle before you. And so, without further ado, 8 Football Grounds that are a bit weird and I've been to/near.

1. The Bet Butler Stadium, Dumbarton FC.
As promised, Dumbarton's ground, which has undergone many sponsorship changes in its time. Ironically, given "The Sons" have won only 1 out of 6 league games at home this season, the ground is nicknamed by the fans "The Rock". This is because it is next to a rock, on top of which there is the aforementioned castle. Following that logic, Meadow Lane should be nicknamed Hooters. I'll leave that one hanging. Overall though, well worth a visit, the  rock, castle and ground all come off well in this one.

2. Estadio Municipal de Braga, Sporting Clube de Braga.
Continuing the rocky theme, (listen, whilst you read), this is the wonderful, magnificent, bizarre, natural-looking, eccentric Braga stadium, carved out of a quarry. I'm guessing with all the superlatives, by the way, I did go there, but behind the massive gates and car-park, the view is pretty shameful. Though there was a nice ice-cream van outside, which is good.

3. St Mary's Park, St Cuthbert Wanderers FC. 

This one I put down, with more of a tenuous hand. I think this is slightly less effective photo-wise, and  you actually have to go there to get the full feeling (highly recommend it, Kirkcudbright is a very nice town). From memory, you can pretty much walk off the beach, turn a corner, and end up with this ground in front of you. Nice in general and a rackety old stand that makes the whole affair very 'proper' football. I generally remember it being undoubtedly the most shocking place to find a ground of a decent size. P.S - I see from Twitter, Saints also got to the semi final of the League Cup, having just missed out to Wigtown (another great town to visit) - Congrats! *

4. Rheinpark Stadion, Liechtenstein and FC Vaduz.

A ground undoubtedly close to my heart, the mighty Rheinpark is the fortress of the Liechtenstein national team and of the capital's local club, FC Vaduz. The ground entered Howlett family folklore (how sad) when I managed to get in to the ground and touch the hallowed turf with no one once challenging me. Which says a lot about Liechtenstein and my excitement. Notable and a bit weird for the mountain alpine scenery that surrounds it. Which is more or less notable enough. Rumour has it the North Stand is in fact a tax haven for Conservative Party donors, though this has yet to be confirmed.

5. Caledonian Stadium, Inverness Caledonian Thistle.

One of my favourite grounds, if I look past the fact that they've turned Celtic over far too many times to be comfortable with, it's mildly weird/different in that it is right next to the Kessock Bridge, which is an architectural success in it self. Well worth going over the bridge if nothing else, as the view of the ground is really attractive. The other thing about bridges is that they're over water. We deduce from this that the ground is also right next to a river, namely the Beauly Firth (like either you or I have ever heard of that)...

The ground is in the picture somewhere

6. The John Smith's Stadium, Huddersfield Town FC.

Known as t'Galpharm when I were there, this stadium is hilariously average (that's far too harsh, but never mind), the ground is notably weird because it's the only ground I've been to where there's a humongous driving range next door. 

This has clearly been noted by the PR people - the Main Stand's sponsorship deal is the "Direct Golf UK Stand", which is almost as emotive amongst the football-lover as "Sir Matt Busby Way" is to the average Japanese Manchester United fan. No one has yet managed a drive into the ground. Shame.

7. Allianz Arena, FC Bayern Munich and TSV 1860 Munchen.

A simply remarkable piece of architecture, it's like art and stadium, in one. Weird because it has a 'luminous exterior' that can change colour depending on whichever team is playing there at the time. Much to my protests, we only drove past the ground on the Autobahn, but even in the dark, probably doing double the limit in England (efficent Germans), the light show was incredible. Probably the most intrinsically attractive ground on the list, but still - a bit weird.

8. Field Mill, Mansfield Town FC.

I was never going to get through a post without mentioning Nottinghamshire in some extended form, and the excuse this time, unusually for me, is Mansfield. Always a shame to think about it, but relevant for these purposes. Field Mill, a bit like Huddersfield, is a very average ground. However, the 'non' stand makes it a weird one. Also, more amusingly, their hilarious attempts to make it look nice. Unfortunately I couldn't find any pictures of the 'lads' up the trees nearby on sell-out crowds. Equally Mansfield-ish.

The 'non' stand. Note the saving money on the hole in the roof.

And there we have it. Eight clubs, some of which you'll have heard of, all weird in some way. I will undoubtedly have a 'List of cricket grounds that are a bit weird and I've played at', soon...

*I'm told by one of the Cuthbert's faithful on Twitter that St Mary's Park now has a 3G pitch, and the terrace in the picture has gone down, to be replaced in the new year... All the same, I enjoyed it whilst it was there.

An Alternative Look at the Footballing Week - Ed. No.1

So, the first of many basically pretty eclectic posts about football and what has caught my fairly wandering eye in the last few days/weeks (depending on how organised I am). I'll obviously be doing specific posts as well as these updates on generic sports stuff.

Opening Day

So finally, after a certain wait, though notably, it seems, a much less lengthy wait than previous seasons, the Barclays Premier League is back on. This also means that for the next two weeks, I'll care about my Fantasy Football team. Having been rather disappointed by my exclusion of Simon Mignolet, following a stunning performance in the 12.45 kickoff, I was buoyed by Christian Benteke's two goals at just past 3 o'clock, meaning I'd be at least not completely planked in the first week. Sadly, I'd left him on the bench too. So, a bit of a bummer, but like the rest of my fellow fantasy footballers, I included Robin Van Persie in my team, plus as a captain, so double points. So yeah, that was alright, still mid-table though. (Ed. - 11/32, actually)

Incidently, if you haven't seen RVP's first goal, it is a really nice piece of footballing intelligence, beats the ball down, and times it just right to get his boot right, even with the awkward bounce. As David Moyes pointed out in his post match comments, he's just "got different players"... Yakubu to Van Persie. One thing that did strike me about Moyes though was that there are striking similarities with him and Ferguson  - "Even if we'd lost, I'd be doing the same thing.". Bullish Fergyness... Perhaps allowing SAF to appoint his successor was a better plan than simply appointing the latest star manager. Still early doors though, and the first real test will be next week vs Chelsea, who seemed to be fairly decent in that first half at Hull.

Same old problem
I know it's a 'cult' programme, so it's like I'm criticising the NHS, the Queen or the Beatles, but, since this is pretty off the cuff - MOTD - it's just as bland as last season. Danny Murphy really is as boring as Mark Lawrenson, and obviously Shearer is just talking the usual guff. A few things were particularly noteworthy.

Shearer on Danny Welbeck - "I was worried he'd be the same as last season, and I thought against Scotland that he's going to be the same. But today, that proves he's not the same." This is working on the premise that Welbeck scored one goal last season. He scored two yesterday. Yes Alan, that proves he has changed.

MOTD cock-ups - They managed to mix up most of United's midfield singlehandedly, attempting too hard to be like Sky Sports with their snazzy graphics. It just doesn't work.

They also got Danny Murphy to do the spelling for the show graphics, clearly trying to implement a more inclusive presenter policy. That's key "decisions", lads. Oh, that and they forgot to put ironic quotation marks around "Analysis" whenever they attempted talking about the football.

On the subject of Sky Sports, it was also notable to see Lineker messing around doing post-match interviews through the TV, with Martinez, just like Gary Neville might. I don't know whether it's sadder that they have to compete with satellite, or simply their attempts at competition.

Shown the red card, Danny.

There was, however one positive to the whole show - Lineker (again) featuring, this time using twitter really rather well. Here he decided to take play-wright Stephen Simon's tweeted prelude to the Premier League season and use it has his opening line for the show. Genuinely original initiative - better than Sky's scriptwriters too.

Teams what I like round-up...

First up, though I couldn't find a dodgy stream for this anywhere, I was very buoyed in mid-week to see the mighty Liechtenstein lose 3-2 to Croatia. To the common anyway half decent expectation of most football fans, bar those of Plymouth Argyle, this may seem strange. But scoring two goals against a side of Croatia's quality, even in a friendly, bodes very well for the next campaign for the Euros. This was even a side including Eduardo - that one who broke his leg - who scored two of the three. Notably for the 'Stein - Peter Jehle making his hundredth appearance, and what a servant he has been, especially given his commitments all over the world at times. Also, Michele Polervino's goal is an absolute beauty. Hit first time, ricochets the top of the bar, and then goes in. Must go down as one of the best I've seen of Liechtenstein's, though not quite topping Mario Frick's goal against Scotland. Nothing will.

Then, on Saturday - not a bad haul - as 50% of my teams won, which I've no doubt will deplete rapidly as the season unfolds, and the genuinely good sides remember how to play football. Notts County went away to Walsall, and drew 1-1, in what can only be described, and in fact, was described as fairly outrageous. The second (hypothetical) goal, ruled offside - does look pretty onside, so I have to say, pretty annoying, not only for the valuable points, but also because it would've been Arquin's second, which is always nice - particularly as it might shut up a few overly critical Notts fans, and get Kiwomya through the first half of the season. A highlight from Facebook after Walsall opened the scoring -  "this team is a joke this club is a joke". Hmm.

Meanwhile, at Pittodrie, Celtic began their campaign having lost two of their most valuable players (Hooper and Wanyama), though it is my opinion that it won't effect them in the slightest in the League - Europe is a different matter. This was sort of gratified by a confident win, the like we have become used to - not 4 and 5 nils, but a simple two goal victory. Notable, that a) refereeing decisions were fairer - the penalty was unquestionably so, and also b) very nice finish from Forrest from a dangerously acute angle, it would not surprise me if he really stepped up from now on. A trip to play 'some team where Borat's from' awaits.

Finally, a very quick results look at other teams I have a vague affinity to. Mansfield won, which is always nice, albeit against Wrexham, who looked pretty dire when I saw them at the end of last season. Whether they'll manage without Matt Green this season looks still to be seen. Hoffenheim - won 5-1! Again, I can't see it lasting, though there's nothing wrong with a positive start, and valuable points, meaning that at the end of the season a relegation scrap can be avoided potentially.

Final Comment

Last night I watched some of the first half of PSG vs Ajaccio - what a good innovation of BT Sport's to have French football on the English telly - really was quite enjoyable, though I have to say the away team looked pretty rough and ready, though managed to squeeze a draw from France's very own Citeh. I've made a mental note - and Ligue 1 will definitely be a keeper to follow more closely this season - especially if I can watch it with moronic English analysis at half-time.

The only blonde Frenchman. Nearly.

NB - In that match Benoit Pedretti scored Ajaccio's only goal. Reminded me of many happy years collecting French football magazines/stickers. I am telling you, he is the only French player of any note who is blonde. Bar Philippe Mexes, but he doesn't really count, shocking cut.